Hitler was of African descent and had an Irish nephew who wanted to “out” him

The heroism of William Patrick Hitler

I don’t love the “I was today years old when” meme, but my Irish-American research finally gave me a good one: I was today years old when I found out that Adolf Hitler had an Irish nephew named William Patrick, sometimes called Patrick or Willy, who was actually kind of hot and definitely Irish. He was raised by an Irish Catholic woman named Bridget after his father, Hitler’s half-brother, abandoned the family. (Naturally, Hitler’s half-brother was a complete chump, squandering all the family’s money on a “gambling tour” in Europe when World War I broke out. Instead of finding some way to get home, he said “nah, fuck it,” stayed in the city where he was gambling, and illegally married another woman.) Still, Adolf Hitler offered his Irish nephew a job in Germany, where he had just become chancellor. When Hitler told him to renounce his British citizenship in exchange for a high-ranking job, Willy smelled some bullshit and fled to the United States, apparently blackmailing Hitler with “embarrassing information about his family” on his way out. He published an article titled “Why I hate my Uncle,” joined the Navy, and fought for the U.S. in World War II. His family still lives here under a different name.

Of course, the big question is what the embarrassing information was. As we all know, Hitler was not even German; he was a foreigner promising to “make Germany great again.” His family and personal history is extremely murky. For starters, no one knows where this family came from: his father was (allegedly) the illegitimate child of an Austrian maid having an affair with her Jewish boss. The man named as the “Jewish boss” was never found in the historical record, and this theory has largely been dismissed as a myth. But we do know one thing about the Hitler family (which, by the way, is not even a real name; they kept changing it, allegedly from Hoedler to Heidler to Hitler): these people were on their freak shit. There’s all sorts of speculation that his mother was screwing around with Hitler’s grandfather…or something. I found it hard to keep track of who in this freaky family was having sex with whom, but I did find it weird no one had ever bothered to look into Hitler’s identity and paternity. Considering…