Attention, white women who brag about not washing your hair

Attention white women who brag about how infrequently you wash your hair or take anything more than a birdbath: Quit being nasty.

There’s apparently some myth going around that dirty hair is healthy hair, which will grow long and resist “breakage.” No, you have terrible hair because you’re a vegan who eats a lot of soy products and “cauliflower rice” — which both cause thyroid problems that will make your hair fall out. Too much copper from your “plant-based diet” makes it kinky and frizzy; the zinc in red meat would make the cuticles straighter. The more copper you’re getting from soy and kale, the lower your zinc levels — copper displaces zinc.

The whole purpose of hair is to act like a sponge that collects pollen, dust, allergens, smoke, and dead skin cells before they get into your eyes or lungs; at the end of the day, you wash it out. Otherwise, you’re getting all of those things on your clothes and sheets. And then we wonder why all these women have horrible allergies and mysterious skin problems. Hair is just as important as ever, but whether we still need “natural oils” is debatable. Its main purpose seems to be repelling insects with your body odor. Sure, it was once a little bit safer to not bathe much than to bathe in filthy water. But it’s also not true that people were impervious to hygiene until recently; it’s a myth. No one enjoys having animal manure, dirt, or sand all over them, nor do they want to smell it. For every incidence of cultures where people “never take baths,” there’s more that mandate bathing every day. Our ancestors also had contact with water a lot more frequently than we imagine. The Medieval English were rumored to never bathe. They were unsanitary in that they let dogs run everywhere and didn’t like to clean, but they were also walking around in pouring rain almost daily. No human being likes being filthy and smelly.

Wash your arse.

Oh, speaking of that: it’s deeply troubling that women are being told that hygiene above the belt is unnecessary, but hair and skin below the belt must be obsessively groomed and cleaned, as well as subjected to expensive cosmetic procedures. Apparently, washing your hair with shampoo is terrible, but burning hot wax, scrubs, bleaches, and scented creams are fantastic for the…